Men, Men, A-Men!

by

You’ll know your man is cheating on you when

 

*   You hear him whispering into his cell phone in the bathroom

 

*    His phone rings and when you answer they cut off and the number is not shown on the screen.

 

*    There are lipstick marks on his collar and you have never/jamais worn pink lipstick.

 

*     There are long, red-tinted fake hairs on his clothes while you are sporting an ethnic baby afro.

 

*     He has a dreamy smile on his face and you know there’s nothing to smile about as he owes money to his mechanic, his optician and the school fees.

 

*     He stays out late, comes home at dawn and says “I was working”.

 

*      His friends call to say he was with them and you know they are lying as they were seen at a function accompanied but their wives.

 

*     He picks a quarrel, storms off and stays out all night.

 

*    You get infected with a sexually transmitted disease and he says “you must have caught it from the public toilet”.

 

*    He answers too many “wrong number” phone calls in your presence.

 

*   You find tiny knickers (strings really) in his coat pocket the likes of which you stopped wearing with the birth of your first baby ten years ago.

 

*   You get pitying glances from his friends’ wives.

 

*    He brings back women things from his trips abroad and says they are for his friends’ wives.

 

*    His sisters start being nice to you.

 

*    He starts dyeing the grey hair on his armpits and crotch.

 

*    His Secretary becomes insolent when you phone his office (she’s in the know).

 

*    He starts stinting with money, something he has never done before

 

*    He becomes furtive and hides his diary and phone book.

 

*    He starts wearing trendy clothes – pink shirts and sleeveless jumpers – like a man 20 years younger.

 

*     He listens to music which was not in his repertoire, then does a sing-along.

 

*      He starts carrying a breath freshener in his pocket when he has always kissed you without brushing his teeth.

 

*     He starts drinking beer after being teetotaler for yonks.

 

*      He is seen shopping for meat at the butcher’s when he has never, but never, gone to the butcher’s for you.

 

*      He has a clean, ‘just taken a bath look’ when he comes home at midnight.

 

*       He has a silly smirk on his face whenever a certain name is mentioned.

 

*       He comes out with statements like “women still find me sexy”, or “there’s still mileage in the old goat”.

 

*       He starts holding in his fat tummy to make it look flat which leaves him breathless and gives him a scowl.

 

*       Out of the blue, he guffaws “Haw Haw Haw” and does an ikibindankoi, then screams in agony when his gout plays up.

 

*      In the throes of passion, he calls out another woman’s name and when you slap him he grunts in your ear (without losing his tempo) “Margaret is my secret name for you”.

 

*          He gets a preference for exotic food which gives him gas.

 

*          He brings home match books from hotel rooms.

 

*          The contact list in his cell phone has initials against numbers instead of names.

 

*          In conversation with you, he intersperses every other sentence with a “I’m so tired” and then sighs.

 

*          You are talking with him and realize you are conducting a monologue – he’s miles away.

 

*          He accuses you of meanness that you don’t wish him well and stomps off when you ask him where he’s going.

 

*          He perks up when an excuse to go out comes up.

 

*          He accuses you of cheating on him while he knows Mother Teresa will always remain your heroine.

 

*          Having been a lay-about, he takes up sports, so he can stay out on weekends.

 

*          He smells of sex when the last time he did “IT” with you was in 1945.

 

*          He reeks of perfume which is not yours!

 

*          He starts drooling Saliva from the corners of his mouth (giving him a D-O-M (Dirty Old Man look), caused by the concoction of ginseng root, Ngoka Eleven and Viagra he takes first thing every morning.

 

*          He comes across as a ‘liar and a cheat’ which he is!

 

*          He starts wearing thick gold chains, medallions and signet rings which clank and rattle when he moves and which make him look like a gangster in one of those Nigerian video films popular in Bongo.

 

*          He shows off newly acquired gymnastic contortions in bed and tells you “this is the Kama sutra” then winces when his slipped disc remonstrates with him, and with a grimace of pain he says a “isn’t this heavenly?”

 

*          The children say “we saw a pretty lady in daddy’s car”.

 

*          He criticizes your sexual performance saying he has had better and when you pinch his bottom, he rushes to add “from you of course”.

 

*          His mother tells you “my son will get himself a good wife this time” which makes you aware that he’s taken his mother to meet ‘HER’.

 

NOW is the time to seek counseling.

                        Better still, get yourself a good lawyer!

“Together We Can Make it Happen”

Leila Sheikh